Chinese Democracy: A short Review

Patience is one thing. Waiting over 17 years for an album that is most likely responsible for the downturn of the economy is another. Nevertheless, we must get over the satire and the bad jokes just to say that Chinese Democracy has finally come out. We can no longer joke about the delayed album that won’t come out. That doesn’t stop us from making fun of the album that has come out.

Chinese Democracy is by no means a Guns and Roses Album. It may not have any of the same lineup from the 90’s but it has isolated itself from anything that could be close to the synergy of GnR. Think of it like Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” and instead of just firing the drummer, Roger went and canned Gilmour and the rest, brought in John Osborne and Micheal Nesmith, and decided to release it in 2001. The album is essentially just Axl Rose with some guests here and there. I honestly think the album should have been called “Axl Rose and Pals Presents Chinese Democracy.”

Even though it isn’t a GnR album, it’s still good. The first few tracks have that 2002-05 sounding nu metal thing going on. And then we have those slightly piano tunes in the vein of November Rain. But it does sound good altogether. Each musician’s contribution, maybe for the exception of Axl, was extremely well put together. Need proof? Just listen for buckethead’s trademark work in the title track.

In short, this isn’t your Grandfather’s GnR. In fact, it isn’t your fathers, stepfather’s, long lost brother’s, Third and twice removed cousin’s, or anyone’s for that matter. But I like it.

~Llama With Headphones

Llama gives you a band: Zombie Bazooka Patrol

Today I will start a short feature called Llama gives you a band. It’s pretty self explanatory.

This time I present to you…
Zombie Bazooka Patrol
Zombie Folk rock from Nashville

Why you shouldn’t use earbuds.

Sleek. Sexy. Seductive. Slip them in and tune everything else out.

For those of you just tuning in, I was describing earbuds. In today’s iPod world, they’re the standard when it comes to portable music. They are the best thing since the innovation of toast. But not to insult the glorious invention of toast, that last statement was meant to be sarcastic.

Using earbuds to listen to music is just as enjoyable as walking on a freshly paved blacktop right after the fresh pavement is set. And barefoot.

I’m sure many that are reading this are having thoughts like,

• “I love my earbuds! They’re so portable and cool!”
• “It’s just music, it doesn’t matter what you listen to them through.”
• “Or prehaps even, “Earbuds are the way of today. Stop living in the past.”

Okay, so maybe people do like earbuds. So that is why I plan to convert your ways. What else would you expect from the Llama with Headphones?

Reason #1 not to wear Earbuds.
You’re putting a tiny plastic thing in your ear.
Simple logic: If you stick something in your ear, it could hurt the ear drum. There is the ever-so-popular theory that states if you clean out your ears with a cotton swab you should be careful not to stick it too far.
So let us forget the safety of our eardrums and shove these little plastic bulbs in our ear. And while we are at it, we’ll have Mr. Pink come along and chop off our ears.
Which leads us to reason #2…

Reason #2 not to wear Earbuds.
You’re putting a tiny speaker in your ear.
The principle of headphones is a speaker right against your ear. So theoretically if you put the speaker close to your ear drum as possible, you should hear the best result. Er… no. Sound waves need some time to pass and not directly into your ear. Sound waves going into the ear at that rate equals loss of hearing.
Also, since you are hearing sounds through a tiny speaker, you loose sound in the registers. I’m not talking about the barely noticeable sounds of the 20 hz and the 20 khz. 

Reason #3 not wear Earbuds.
They’re hard to see.
Suppose you want to talk to a dear friend who just so happens to be on the other side of the walkway. You wave, nothing happens. You call their name, nothing happens. Then they look over by chance and see you. So they pull out their ear bud on the left ear, wave, and then get back to listening to Ben Folds.
Honestly, what is the point of wearing hard to see ear buds with nothing but a string to give you a clue? It’s like the wearer is ashamed of listening to music. And why should you be ashamed to listen to music? Music is not a horrible stain like (insert name of cult here) that you wish to keep a secret from other people. Let people know you’re listening to music rather having to rely on a shadow on a colored background to do it for you.

Reason #4 not to wear earbuds.
They are uncomfortable beyond belief.
Sure, you can add all the rubber and gelish things you want, but earbuds don’t compensate for all ears. Put in the earbud, adjust it a bit, adjust it some more because you’re not hearing the music correctly, adjust it again because it’s pushing on a side of the inner ear, and then someone comes along and asks you a question in which you need to pull out the bud and answer the question. Then you have to go through all the long effort to put the earbud back in.
It’s just inconvenient.

In short, I don’t like earbuds. Hard to get the right tone out of them and hard to fit in the ear. Just give me a pair of headphones and I’ll be alright. And you should be to.

And before I forget, there are actually high quality earbuds on the market, but If you’re still willing to stick a plastic coated speaker in your ear, go ahead… I won’t stop you.

The Guitar Hero Effect.

Many of us have donned the plastic Gibson SG and have strummed away like madmen on Christmas. But, beyond the craze of a virtual audience cheering you on as you play there is a deeper motivation…

Okay, for a quick primer of what I’m talking about: (Those that are familiar with guitar hero, can go ahead and skip this.) Guitar hero is a Video game that creates the sensation of playing a real guitar by using a plastic guitar controller. With the controller, you strum the notes as they cross the screen via dance dance revolution. You hit a note, you hear the song. You miss the note, the guitar track goes silent. You miss too many  tracks, the crowd boos you off the stage. And, depending on  well you play, you gain some cash for your performances with a few minor deductions.

So what has the plastic guitar done for the world of music? Quite a bit, actually. Whether you like it or not, guitar hero has brought to light musical gems of the past and present. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the most searched guitar tabs. I will bet that over half of the top 100 tabs have been in a guitar hero game. Or you can click here. http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/top/top100.htm

So what can we actually attribute to this phenomenon? Perhaps it’s our curious nature. Sure, anyone with a sane amount of spare time can strum out “Knights of Cydonia”. But somewhere in playing the mind becomes curious about the song itself. Then the individual discovers a joy of actually playing such a song. 

Then, there is the guitar hero effect. It’s the strange happening that occurs in every guitar hero game. Some busts out the plastic SG and starts playing away. The spectators see the fun that the player is having and soon wishes to participate. Then the spectator becomes the performer bringing a new crowd of spectators.

As wild as some of these theories might be, it’s not as wild as the effect guitar hero has brought on the music industry. I do blame guitar hero for my liking of Rush, Muse, Pantera, Rage against the Machine, and perhaps Maniac Street Preachers. Most of this generation has probably added a few songs to their playlists because of guitar hero. Compare that with the number songs added to playlists because of DDR or Karaoke Revolution.

Some might say that the guitar Hero effect is beginning to die thanks to Activision buying up the franchise and Harmonix teaming with EA to make Rock Band. While some of it is partially true, the effect is still in motion. Although the games are in a competition to get the most popular songs on their lists, the games still grant exposure to artists of new and old.  Just don’t expect me to be on the wait list for “Guitar Hero: Metallica.”

~Llama
With Headphones

PS. I actually like some Metallica. The last line was mearly for comic effect.

The Vinyl Experience

Just a few months ago I found myself into another addiction. And that is vinyl.

I’m not talking about furniture or even jumpsuits worn by ex-members of devo. I’m talking the closest thing to analog recordings that one can get. I’m talking the very feeling that is created when those slight pops occur. Yes, I’m talking about records.

Although we live in an age where we can buy most albums for $9.99 on any mp3 server, nothing can realy beat the feeling of a record. It’s a complete feeling, like a well plotted story.

Of course, there are the other reasons to like vinyl, such as:

• You’re listening to actual sound waves instead of samples.
• The album art is larger, giving more of artistic expression than looking at a CD cover.
• You can hug a vinyl album.
• Each record holds a unique story told through it’s pops and static.

It doesn’t take an audiophile to be a record consumer. However, if you plan to venture into the lovely world of vinyl, then be prepared to spend a pretty penny. If you’re still reading and not afraid of a small price, then here it is…

The Llama’s guide to a decent Vinyl setup:

Component 1: The Turntable (Avg Cost: $15-$1000)
The most important item in the arsenal is the turntable. Without it, you can’t turn the records and make the lovely music. (Duh.) You can pick up a cheap one off of eBay or a flea market, or you can save a bit an get a high quality turntable from Musicians’ Friend. You will find the higher priced items feature pitch controls and filters to get rid of the “unnecessary noise” as well as better cartridges. At this point, the quality of sound is 50% about the turntable.

Component 2: The Preamp (Avg Cost $20-$150)
Those that have just rushed out to get a turntable and the Kansas’ greatest hits record will soon find that Carry on my wayward son sounded more than low level audio.
Granted this was a mistake that I also made, but in place of Kansas, I used Rush’s Moving Pictures.
All that the turntable is putting out it’s RCA jacks is an RIAA signal. Roughly translated, there isn’t any volume. From here, there are two ways you can deal with this. One, go out and by an expensive stereo system and hope it has a output for “phono”. Or two, buy a preamp. The Preamp will do the same justice that a stereo system will accomplish. Essentially, it brings the RIAA signal to a line level, making it perfect for listening. The Preamp is also a tricky bugger to find in many stores. But this task is much easier thanks to the Internet. Again, spend as much as you want out of the turntable.

Component 3: The Speaker System (Avg Cost $5-$600 or more)
Once you have the turntable and the Preamp, hook it up to the speaker system of your choice. As said before, as long as you have it to the line level, the phonograph signal is alright. I’ll let you, the faithful reader decide on this.

Component 4: The Records (Avg Cost $0.50-$140)
Now you’re set to shop for the records. I personally prefer checking out the local antique and flea markets for some vinyl goodness. The advantage here is that some people will be willing to sell decent albums at a nice low price, say around $3 or so. The disadvantage here is the record search becomes that… a search that rivals most Indiana Jones Moves.
On the other hand, there are a handful of specialty record shops that serve the daily vinyl addiction. In most cases, albums will be sorted by genre and alphabetical order in these stores, making a hassle of a record search into a simple trip.

Hopefully, this has helped see into the world that is Vinyl.  You can get started for under $100 and don’t be surprised to end up spending over $500 for your own vinyl collection.
This is the llama, signing off.

~Llama
With Headphones